Pretty good for a first effort. And that's saying something considering how many other first efforts seen before are either blobs of text or just a hastily written mess.
Would say that the story could have used a little more back and forth with Cho and Ginny, even giving hints at their ordeals. But beyond that, I can't think of much else that needs changing or improving. An alternate ending would be interesting, and perhaps have Cho and Ginny help out in some way, maybe with the former messing herself on purpose to make Hermione feel better.
Author's Response: Orpheum! Your stories were my main source of inspiration. You have a lot of great ones with desperation ending in toilet use, which are my favorite kind. I want to add Ginny's viewpoint as a major part of the story and probably change some things a little. I think long lines will be the main cause of desperation instead of forgetting to pee and maybe make them wait longer (I know they have double periods, that's just asking for desperation =P). I feel like the Room of Requirement should be used especially since it has Chamber Pots, but a standard bathroom still seems more appealing to me. Maybe it could be yet another alternate ending. Cho (probably Luna now) having an accident on purpose is definitely something I will add.
There were a few paragraphs where the speaker switched a few times. Generally, you'll want to start a new paragraph each time the speaker changes. For example:
"Hey, Hermione, it's Ginny." came a voice from the stall on her left...
"Huh? Oh, hey. How did you know it was me?" Hermione asked.
"I got into the..."
you get the point :).
As for other ideas... well, I liked your idea of an alternate accident version Otherwise, you could have drawn out Hermione's desperation a little longer by having the girls in the bathroom refuse to let her cut. Force her to wait her turn. You could fill that scene with her releasing gas to relieve the pressure in her bowels. It's a thought... I'm not sure if it's what you were looking for though.
Anyway, overall I really enjoyed it. I hope it's not the last thing you post here!
Author's Response: Thanks a lot! I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it, especially since you're the author of so many great stories on here. I'll take note of your speaker change advice and I think I will add more desperation while she's waiting in line. If I give the accident ending a shot, I wonder where it should happen? Poor Hermione, am I going to have to make you wet AND mess yourself in the middle of class? xP I will definitely be writing more. This didn't take as long as I thought and I've built up more confidence. I have a lot more ideas, mainly for Final Fantasy, Dragon Ball and Pokemon (really surprised there's such a lack of stories for that one). And I think having Cho in class with Hermione was a plot hole I overlooked. I should probably replace her with Luna.