BlueSniper's Updates/Feedback Thread

[Plan B]

Alone. As in Charles Lindbergh was the first to fly over the Atlantic solo because he flew alone. If you're asking what the term means.

[bored]

A very good story. The only thing I would change is the character name for Akira. Akira is pretty much an exclusively male name. Unless that's the whole point and it's a joke name. ;D

[Jimmy Olsen]

Akira can also be a woman's name.  The singer Akira Sudou is a woman.

And I know what flying solo means literally, I'm just wondering if it's a figure of speech in this context.

[Plan B]

I KNEW IT! I just knew I'd look like an idiot answering that question!

[Jimmy Olsen]

Then what does it mean?  Self-stimulation?

[BlueSniper]

Really, this board doesn't have a sweatdrop smilie?

Sorry about any confusion, I meant just hanging out on her own. I envisioned Akira as kind of a loner at times who would rather be reading on her own than hanging out with a huge amount of people. I didn't mean for it to be a euphemism of any sort, although now it looks pretty dirty when I read it.

I do plan to expand on the world a bunch later. No worries.

[Jimmy Olsen]

Cool.  I can't wait to meet these fiber-obsessed space maidens.   ;D

[Toasty]

Alright, BlueSniper, I read your story a few days ago, but now I finally feel ready to write the review it deserves.

First off: Oooooooh my goodness.

I should probably start by saying that toilet filling/overflowing is pretty much my favorite, favorite thing to read about in these kinds of stories, and I don't think I've ever seen it done better than it was here. So, I might be a little biased because I enjoy the subject matter so much.

That said, I think this is honestly one of the best stories I've ever read. As Jimmy mentioned earlier, your descriptions are pretty awesome--I think the one about the lawnmower starting underwater was my favorite. I found them to be clever and evocative, but not excessive. Also, I liked how you gave us a little information about the characters, then jumped right into the action. Recently I've been trying to strike a good balance between spending time on the setup and not dragging the story out too long before I get to the poop scenes, and I think that's something you do really well here.

As for the pooping scene itself, I thought that your descriptions stayed pretty fresh, and the highlight of the scene for me, where she fills the toilet to the point where she's literally sitting in her own shit, just...wow. So many good details, from the imprints of her butt cheeks in the mound, the thrill of seeing such a gigantic load, to the way her diarrhea carves channels in the mountain of poop...hot damn. Amazing. It's hard for me to even describe why I find this stuff so good, it's like that scene gets right down to the core of why I even read and write these bizzare stories in the first place. The only way I can describe it is that you wrote the story I always wanted to write, but didn't know how.

I think a big part of it is the dialogue. It has a certain quality about it that I can't quite put my finger on, it conveys a sense of embarrassment and awkwardness that grounds the ridiculous (Yuki letting Akira watch her, Yuki sitting in her own poop) in the reality (Yuki being embarassed about taking a huge dump in front of her friend, Yuki being anxious about clogging the toilet). I'm not sure exactly how to describe it, but I think it's involved with the way you sometimes let important parts of statements go unsaid ("I kind of have...a mud-butt thing going on, and I think it might be because your toilet's full, so it's, um, it's actually touching my--") and the natural rhythm you set up for the dialogue (inserting pauses and "um's" into conversation, Yuki saying "thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou", stuff like that.)

If it's unclear what I'm getting at, the other example that comes to mind is the dialogue from Susanna's accident scene in Ch. 4 of Schizophrenia. I think that also sort of captured her embarrassment really well, without making her shame the focus of the whole scene. There tend to be realistic stories (for example, Micro's work, where people tend to act rather realistically) and more fantastic stories (such as my Peach story, or a lot of yarr's stories, which features people acting unrealistically at the whim of the author, ridiculously large loads, etc.), and I feel like this story combines those two styles really, really well.

If I had to criticize anything, (and it was hard to find stuff, but I believe in constructive criticism), I would say the wording of the expository "intro" sequence felt a little odd ("dextrous tasks", and "proven to be somewhat nefarious" stand out), unless of course you were trying to make it sound like a cheesy anime dub. Also, you spend a few sentences at the beginning establishing that Yuki is sort of a braggart, but I really didn't see that come through in the way she acted during the story. Maybe that's something to think about if you write a sequel (and by all means, please do!)

Whelp, I'm pretty sure that's the longest review I've ever written, but it's because I really, really, really like this story, and I wasn't really sure why at first, so I wanted to write it out. I hope you find what I said helpful, and not just a long gushing rant, but I enjoyed your story so much it's kind of hard for me to tell the difference at this point.

So basically, the upshot of all this is that you should write more stuff for this site, or I will be extremely sad. I don't even mind if you don't continue Schizophrenia, even though I liked it, I just hope you write something.

Toasty out.

[BlueSniper]

It seems like I come back here once every 11 months or so. Here's to hoping for a bit more consistency this year.

Various (nyou-related) works in progress include:

Axon Mobile Corps - as stated before, vaguely magical girls with callipygian figures, piloting giant robotic things against alien squads who will later be revealed to be the minions of some super powerful race of space Amazons with telepathic powers and lots of fiber in their diet
Simply Fantastic! - a college girl finds a porta-potty that moves through space/time/dimensions (think Doctor Who, kind of) and is trying to get home in time for her Calculus midterm
My Roommate is a Shapeshifting Dragon - A news intern finds a naked pink-haired girl behind her apartment building and takes her in; she soon finds she's bitten off more than she can chew as she gets pulled into a world of mystical creatures from myths and legends. Diary format.

Snippet ideas, not yet fully formed, based on dreams or random moments:
Platinum - A traveling rock band, post-apocalyptic setting.
Howlin' at the Moon - likely to involve werewolves, as well as mooning witches. Because if you're going to have characters expose themselves out of necessity, why not also have them expose themselves for fun and profit?

Some of these ideas might get mixed together and/or thrown out. We'll see (if I have the self-control not to try to make every little idea that pops into my head a full-fledged story). If anyone wants to help or has any suggestions for the ideas I already have, please let me know.

[nkay7]

Axon Mobile Corps - as stated before, vaguely magical girls with callipygian figures, piloting giant robotic things against alien squads who will later be revealed to be the minions of some super powerful race of space Amazons with telepathic powers and lots of fiber in their diet

Am I the only one who think this is the best synopsis ever? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEONE MAKE THIS INTO AN ANIME ALREADY.

Platinum - A traveling rock band, post-apocalyptic setting.

I don't even know why, but FUCK YES.

[BlueSniper]

Still working on my response to A Bizarre Experiment.

Also, the Howlin' at the Moon thing will probably have one werewolf character who, in addition to being a werewolf, also possesses an enchanted stare that, according to legend, when directed at one's eye, pulls out all the deep dark secrets of a person in the worst ways possible. So, while the witches in question will be using their magical powers (by mooning the werewolves) to get them to change and thus expose them to the ignorant townspeople, let's just say they might get a little more than they bargained for.

(Yes, that means explosive diarrhea, most likely)

[Jimmy Olsen]

The werewolf concept opens up some entertaining possibilities.  You could have a woman IDed as a werewolf because she poops out stuff like human bones and belt buckles.

[yarr]

Still working on my response to A Bizarre Experiment.

Oh, I was just looking at it and considered taking it down, it suddenly seemed rather inflexible to me. Then I remembered that someone had somewhere sometime hinted on attempting it, and here we are.

Just don't feel to restricted by it, branch out in any ways you want.

[BlueSniper]

Still working on my response to A Bizarre Experiment.

Oh, I was just looking at it and considered taking it down, it suddenly seemed rather inflexible to me. Then I remembered that someone had somewhere sometime hinted on attempting it, and here we are.

Just don't feel to restricted by it, branch out in any ways you want.

Almost done. 

[yarr]

Naisu.