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Title: Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose Reviewer: EFROdian Signed
Great story!  I believe any complaints that I might have had have been mentioned already (i.e. the pooping was too coincidental, and missing Taranee's reaction).  I was kinda hoping they would all go in their pants together and then either Hay Lin or Irma might suggest that they have a "contest" of some type someday or something.  I'm a huge fan of the many girls, one toilet scenario, but I'm a fan of the panty-poop contest even more (especially if there are multiple girls like in W.I.T.C.H.).  Anyway, great job and please consider such a contest for these girls in the future.  Keep up the good work!

Author's Response:

*Pretending to be annoyed* I get it, the pooping, too many at the same moment.

But I should be fixing that. I'm planning on making it that while each girl does need to poop, only Hay Lin and Taranee actually have to really drop some kids at the pool asap.

I have already thought of more ways to challenge our little Guardians. But I doubt they'd really get into a pooping contest, at least not with a few preceeding adventures that help them open up more on such a person thing. (It may work with tom boys like Yuna and Rikku, but these girls are more down to earth when you think about it).

Date: Feb 23, 2008 02:45 am [Report This]
Title: Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose Reviewer: Anime Lover Signed
that was a nice read, though i think the first chapter is better though

Author's Response:

How so? Like content wise or writing? *Grinning* Hard to tell what's not to like when you don't mention what you didn't like in this.

But if I had to say, I'll admit I did kinda rush some part. Then again, you try and write it all in one sitting around 5 in the morning. :P

Keep an eye out, I'm doing some revisions and will be editing this story in a day or two.

Date: Feb 22, 2008 02:33 am [Report This]
Title: Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose Reviewer: Jimmy Olsen Signed
"I really have to go number twosies!" If any girl ever said this in my presence, I would hug her. ^_^

I like how you describe the Guardians' outfits. I was getting kind of a "white room" effect in the last "W.I.T.C.H." fic. The descriptions of desperation were vivid and enjoyable. What followed pretty much alternated between amusing bickering and passable descriptions of pooping.

I haven't seen the show, but I can't help but think Taranee is a bitch. She claims the toilet when she doesn't have to go urgently, and has a leisurely movement while poor desperate Hay Lin loads her panties waiting for the bathroom to open up. I'd love to see her comeuppance sometimes. Cornelia's comeuppance was nice, because she'd gotten on my nerves, but she didn't really piss me off like Taranee did. I think the fact that I've gotten this mentally involved in a story about characters from a show I've never watched is testament to your talent as a writer.

But I do have some criticisms to make. Everyone having to poop at the same time seems like too much of a coincidence to me, and having Irma draw attention to it only makes the situation worse. The "you can't fire me, I quit" tactic works sometimes in fiction, but not here I.M.O. There should have been some kind of explanation, not just a coincidence. I don't understand why Cornelia doesn't even consider pooping on the paper towels like Irma. And I also feel like we're missing out by not seeing Taranee's reaction when she came out and found that everyone had forgotten their potty training.

Despite these drawbacks, this is a good scene (it would be a bit of a stretch to call it a story). I think I'm really starting to enjoy panty-pooping fics... @_@

Author's Response:

Yea, it was just kinda hard to describe the look of their outfits in the original version without making it seem tacked on.

I did make it obvious Taranee was in dire need of pooping action around the same time as Hay Lin you know. :P

But I'll admit she does kinda take to sanctuary a bit too suddenly, and I'm working on that as we speak. The coincidence part isn't too far fetched, while it may be a bit out there for five friends to to really need to poop, it's not that unrealistic. Most girls are pretty discreet in their toilet habits, going as far as holding it in for stretches of time so they can drop it at a 'safer' time. But yes, for all five to be equally in trouble, at least at the very same instance is pushing it a bit far (when there's no secret reason, ala my Tenchi epic ^__^).

 

I'll probably rework it so that every girl does have a load to make, but instead only Hay Lin and Taranee are facing a serious issue. Will and Irma just poop for the sake of it, and Cornelia gives in so she doesn't have to hear the others complain. As for her pooping herself, I might rework to be more accident like, but at the same time maybe add in the concept of not wanting people to openly see her pooping coming out (going in panties does kinda hide the gritty details more or less).

Yes, the ending does need more expanding. So I'll probably have a little bit of reaction from our Fire Guardian, but I'd expect her to be more accepting given the circumstances that transpired behind the door.

 

Thanks for the review nevertheless. Criticism may be a harsh mistress, but it's also the only way you learn and grow as a writer.

Date: Feb 21, 2008 08:02 pm [Report This]
Title: Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose Reviewer: Poowrite Signed
Good work, andother great contribution. The multiple girls, one bathroom theme is a favorite of mine and you did not disappoint.

Thanks for sharing :)

Author's Response: The more the merrier, or messier I guess would be the more accurate term. ^__^
Date: Feb 21, 2008 08:00 pm [Report This]
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