Intersting, I found nothing wrong with it. Hell... FallenStar it's hard for you to make mistakes unless your drunk or your tired... or something else entirely. Good job on the fic

The sex was really good, and I liked the way her tension builds through the story. She actually acts nervous, like this is her first time, and it added a lot to the story.

Your descriptions were great, but you tended to run on with a few of your sentences. I caught two paragraphs, both of which were just run ons...

In spite of this, I enjoyed the story quite a bit. Good job.

The sexual stuff made me a little sick to my stomach, but it doesn't gross me out nearly as much as reading about self-stimulation or same-sex stuff. But I still managed to read it all, and I think this is probably your best story in terms of writing quality. You describe things well, leading to a very vivid picture. There are also very few errors or awkward sentences, just some plausibility issues that you probably aren't concerned with.