I don't understand why Ami is more concerned about having to go to the bathroom than about her secret identity being revealed to the students. Actually, I don't understand why Ami would be thinking anything. Unless I misinterpreted the end, it shows that Ami and everyone else were just false images that had no connection to their real counterparts. So they wouldn't have thoughts any more than characters in a dream would. But the beginning gets inside Ami's head like she's a real person.
At least once you call Ami "Amy." But the grammatical thing that really confuses me is your use of the word "sex." You use it as a noun as if it means part of a woman's anatomy. I've never seen the word used like that except here and one other fic where I assumed it was a typo. After I had decided "sex" was your way of saying "sexual organs," you used "sex" and "vagina" in the same sentence as if they were separate parts. I'm baffled.
I guess my conclusion would be that this story had parts that I really liked, even though a lot of it was about things I'm not into, and parts of it confused me.
*A puff of smoke appears, clearing to reveal myself*
A fantastic story, while I'm not much for the really young girls in anime, it's doesn't ever tread into 'that' zone, but actually remains in the universal one of simple fantasy erotica. Though I'm not very familar with the series *since I only saw that lame dub, I wish FUNi would dub it now...* I can certainly imagine this happening in a hentai-ish manga.
Nothing to really gripe on, a few spelling errors here and there, otherwise it's pretty airtight. I have no doubt that you could win for once, probably a better reason for me to back off this contest at for once to give you fighting chance :P
Now, if you'll excuse me, I must take my leave...
*Vanishes....along with Ami*
See ya! ;3
I thought the word choice ran the gambit from really good, to odd to downright poor.
"I know you have to pee badly, Ami... That is why I chose this time to say to you what I am here for."
"to say to you" would have been a lot clearer had it been written "to tell you".
Also, you really have a thing for run-on sentences :P
The paragraph that starts: "As Ami then told the class to open to a certain page" is one giant run on sentence.
Maybe it's just because I never watched Sailor Moon, but I thought the "Lord Saturn" and "Lord Mercury" characters were confusing and added very little to the story. The end helped clear things up with them a little, but I think you should have stuck with Ami peeing herself on accident and Hotaru masturbating to that.
That being said, Ami's loss of control and Hotaru's climax and wetting were well done. I like the way you described the stream coming out of Ami and Hotaru's buildup to climax was fun to read.
Overall, not your best work but still pretty good. To summarize, I'd say the beginning was slow but things got much, much better toward the end (the last handful of paragraphs.) For score, I'd say 7.5 out of ten but since I can only do increments of one, 8/10.