I think you did a good job capturing her weird personality and thought process. This is just how I imagined Orihime acting wile taking a big dump; unashamed and hardly noticing the massive amount of waste and gas she's putting out, like the girl in Not Another Teen Movie. You also got her reaction right in the ending scene, I can totally picture her doing that in the anime.
I didn't catch the reference to part one the first time I read it, but it was a nice touch.
On a side note, I think this concept is something that could be made into a full length story of it's own some time. I really want to see the flashback scene of her talking about Tatsukis dump. It would be nice to know who she was describing it to, imagine Ichigo or Uryu reacting to that!
Nice fic, I don't see many Rangiku or Yoruichi fics, and they're my favorite Bleach girls.
I liked the way you depicted Yoruichi sleeping, it just goes to show that girls can be just as bad as guys about these kind of things. 5 out 5.
My first review, so I apologize in advance if I'm coming off as a n00b or anything.
I know that I imagined this kind of thing the first time I saw that scene with Rangiku and Orihime. Even though it's a short “poop-centric” story, details like Rangiku's cloths, Orihime's drawings and Capitan Hitsugaya's cameo really helped recreate the apartment scenes from the anime.
Wile the first part didn't really feel rushed to me, Yoruichi's part kind of did but the amount she put out certainly did fit with what she put in in the anime. It's not just because it was all toilet focused, "Aisha's enormous shit" was like that and made a good complete feeling story. Her scene could have used another character or two to interact with if it was longer.
As for a "Director's cut", I wish I had the time. If I was going to do this, I would take your excellent opening (up till Rangiku excuses herself) and rewrite the rest of that part. Somehow, I wouldn't imagine Rangiku's temporary physical body would handle Orihime's food so “nicely” and I would be fun to add a buddy dump with those two and see Capitan Hitsugaya's reaction.
The second half seemed like it got a little less attention. I think you probably could have divided them into their own stories. Or chapters.
That being said, it was still a good piece of work. Keep it up!
But you do have some nice stuff besides just describing girls poop. I really like the bit about Orihime's chibi self-portrait. It's cute. I also like your description of Yoruichi sleeping, even though it's very unattractive. In fact, because it's very unattractive. It's nice of you to acknowledge that cute girls don't look cute *all* the time.
"Gasping so suddenly that her breasts jiggled, Rangiku blushed as she stood up." Nice mental image! I also have to commend you for the following sentence: "Rangiku cooed as the rapid fire of scrawny to lumpy logs continued to push out, her stomach undulating every now and then to expel a difficult one." In general, Rangiku is a great chick to picture on the pot (although I admit I haven't seen the show, just the profusion of art and fanart of her online). My favorite sentence in the Yoruichi segment is the one that starts like this: "Tearing off plentiful bundles of paper, she began to clean her dirty bottom..."
If I had to try to point out *any* deficiency in your descriptions of the girls pooping, it would be that Rangiku is wearing sweatpants instead of the traditional Japanese outfit she's always wearing in the pictures. What you dressed her in probably makes more sense, and might even tie into the episode this follows up, but for me the other outfit would make for a more enjoyable mental image. Just imagine her in that black kimono with the pink sash, untying and retying the white obi as her belly grows from overeating, then hastily pulling the skirt part of the kimono up before dumping her load. Need I say more?
I have a few complaints (all from the second half, leading me to suspect you took more time on the Rangiku half and rushed through the Yoruichi half). You change tenses a little bit near the beginning of the Yoruichi piece. Then there's the sentence that talks about her stream "splashing against the bowl with a hollow hissing splashing sound." Rather redundant. There seems to be a word missing in the second part of the sentence I quoted earlier. And since when do cats grin? One final question: What does "z88" mean?
All in all, an entertaining fic, albeit a slight one.
Well if you watch episodes 120-128, Rangiku's "body" *I don't know how to spell it's proper name, but it's like a substitue physical body so Soul Reapers can appear among the living*, she wears some clothes borrowed from Orihime. As for the part with Yoruichi, I admit I did rush, but couldn't really think of much aside from, 'big dump'. The weird z8 thing is probably a glitch, I don't know why that happened. The cat thing, well, you know those sneaky bastards are grinning when they trip on the way down the stairs, right? They're evil! And well, Yoruichi can turn into a cat, so just thought it'd be a nice reference to her power.
Anyway, glad you liked it.
Author's Response: Who wouldn't? Especially after the part with Yoruichi eating enough food to make even Goku and Luffy look like lightweight eaters. Personally I'm surprised you didn't think of this first, I mean, two women eating tons of food, sounds like ol' uncle Yarrs kind of bag.
Author's Response: Glad you liked it. I would imagine Orihime probably has some kind of back up plan for when her toilet is clogged *and I like to think this isn't the first time XP*