I enjoyed this chapter immensely. The pooping and embarrassment are great, but so is the action. I really like how the enemies' leader came across. For some reason, I imagined Max von Sydow saying the leader's lines. "The leader's voice could be heard in the distance, full of fury and bloodlust." That's such a great choice of words, and so is this: "...we happened to hear you're carrying a little something more than just a fine figure."

But of course my favorite part was Wolf and her bodily functions. Here are the passages I thought were especially well-written: "Her light blonde hair obscured her eyes, which were cold and hungry, like a wolfs." "...immediately the feeling of cold air on exposed skin became apparent as Sniper Wolf began to regain consciousness." "Wolf gasped through clenched teeth as she felt her bowels finally give way." "Like a rubber glove being filled with oatmeal, the seat of Sniper Wolf's suit steadily began to bulge and sag with a sizable load." You also use some great descriptive language in the scene where she's force-fed the laxative.

Some proofreading would be helpful. Here are a couple of the more noticeable mistakes. You wrote "phased" when you meant "fazed," and I think you meant to say the leader's face was "scarred," not "scared." There's a verb missing from this sentence: "From afar, it didn't look like much, but up close, one could the intricate details of a chip." This is redundant: "...it would appear that the commotion had not drawn much attention, at least it didn't seem to." You also seem to imply that South America is a country.

As for the content, I don't know how to suggest making this any more awesome than it already is. Maybe some fear could be added, or humiliation. Maybe have a scene in her home base where she has to remove her loaded panties in front of everybody, and isn't allowed to go clean up until the technicians locate the chip in the mess. But the way it ends now is satisfying.

Since you used almost all of the detailed scenario I posted on the forum, I'd appreciate it if you'd mention in your notes somewhere that I made a contribution to the story.

A very entertaining new "file." Wolf isn't exactly my favorite kind of female character, but you've shown me just how entertaining she can be.

Author's Response:

Duley noted. Though I meant it was an unspecified "south american" country, like how they usually do it in shows were they don't specify an exact place on a continent. Also, I had mentioned that most of what you had suggested was thought out, the only key points I took advantage of were the part with Wolf already being captured and the switcheraroo of sorts.

 

Anyway, glad you enjoyed the chapter. It did take longer than I expected to get off the ground, and definitely will need a "Special edition hyper master rerelease" to make it out better. :P

This was also really cool, Orph. You know I've been looking forward to it for a while. Surface to air pooping is a GREAT idea and definitely something I haven't seen before. It'd be cool if she were more embarrassed about the situation though, don't you think?

Author's Response: I figure after having it happen after a few mission, Wolf would be more or less miffed, but not pissed about having accidents. Anyway, glad you enjoyed it.

I noticed distinct improvements. The pacing, logical progression, and descriptions all seem better now. There are still some typos though. You spell "rifle" with an extra "f" more than once.

Author's Response: Heh, I figured there'd still be a few typos. Oh well. One of these days I'm gonna get a better writing program, one that will automatically correct words for me every time :P

I already liked the Sniper Wolf story, but I just thought I'd mention that I appreciated the addition of an extra messing scene. Nice work!

Author's Response:

Glad you liked the changes. I had some time to spare and figured I'd fix up what people were complaining about from before. As of right now, I'm still thinking about what to do for the next chapter. Although I have been tempted to possible tackle a story using one of the girls from the first two Metal Gears.

Not bad at all. I enjoyed both stories, though I felt the Sniper Wolf one was superior thanks to the messing scene.

There were several missing words and occourances of words that didn't seem to belong.

Overall though, really good work.

This gets off to a great start with an amazing opening paragraph. You paint a vivid picture. There's more great descriptive text later on, too. Her thoughts and the related text is also very good, and draws me into the story (despite not knowing much about the character or universe). Ironically, your descriptions seem to get more vague when it comes to her, peeing, pooping, and shooting. I feel unsatisfied with this story, partly because it starts off so well.

It also has some unnecessary unrealism. I don't believe she could go for a week without peeing, even with her training. Unless she's severely dehydrated, she would feel the need after about eight hours (and that's a generous estimate), and the longest period of holding I've heard claimed is a little over 48 hours. So I think you should change it to three days at the very most. Also, you make it sound like she didn't even notice her need until after a week, which is even more unlikely. Lastly, her need to poop seems to come out of nowhere.

While this is much more entertaining than the other chapter, I think it still leaves much to be desired. That being said, some of the writing is top-notch.

Author's Response: Yea, I might have rushed it a little. Maybe when I get the time I'll try and revise it so it syncs up better with the start.

Not much to say about this. I did like some of your lines. "Oh come on, just get out of me already, will ya?" If I ever heard a girl on the toilet say that...I don't know what would happen. I also liked how you described her feces slipping out of her "like a fleeing serpent."

Author's Response: Glad you liked it. If you're not terribly familiar with MGS, just youtube the scene with Snake and the DARPA chief. Then this will practically becoming a vivid scene. :P

I'm at a disadvantage here because I've never played any modern Metal Gear games. I get the feeling this story was really made for fans, (at least the first part) but I'll tell you what I thought anyway. It's cool that you included both of the character people where talking about on the forum, but I personally still prefer one long story to two short parts.

I get the feeling that the first story was meant to exactly recreate a specific scene from the game (in keeping with theme). Wile I don't get any of the references, I did enjoy the idea of a female solider debating if she should use the toilet wile in prison. Should she go now and risk getting caught with her pants down if something happens, or hold it and probably have to go at an even worse time later? I'm glad she made the right decision, and that we got to read about it.

In the second part, I do know that real soldiers will purposely go in their pants when actually under fire in combat. I have no problem thinking a sniper would mess herself wile in position, but it would be a last resort as snipers and special forces troops can supposedly smell other people quite a ways away. Come to think of it, that's probably how the guy she was shooting at knew to avoid the first shot... No more canned beans before a mission!

I don't usually mention this, but there where a few words missing in places and extra words in sentences like you changed them and didn't totally remove the old part.

P.S. I'll finally be reviewing One Wild Night and Toilet Reapers, so look for those too.

Author's Response:

Actually Snake knew Wolf was there long before, she had attempted to kill him earlier but he had to go back to the a part of the base he was in to get riffle to fight back with. As for the length, I said that they would be short, but they're not too short, and frankly wouldn't work if they were tossed up on the forum or something.

As for being a fan, yea, I figured it would appeal to those who've played the games. Though I got wonder, have you ever played any of them? I mean, MGS was done like 10 years ago, if you didn't even play that, you must have only played the first Metal Gear back on the NES (which sucked, since it wasn't really the actual game, just a watered down...*rambles*)

Anyway, glad you liked it and hopefull you'll try out the games sometimes to really get a better appreciation of the stories.

Who cares about it being short as long as it was interesting? Finally, the scene that I have dreaming of! Nice as always, short but so Orpheum style. Funny, now I could remember exactly how the cell was XD

Author's Response: Yea, I had kinda forgotten whether the toilet in Meryl's cell was on the same wall she listened through or the opposite one. But I think I did well in making it sound like a dingy and cramped cell.