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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: packrat Signed

LOL, I remember this one.  They posted this in the fanfic section of AGD a while back.  I liked how you could somehow sense that it wasn't going to end welll the entire time, but I also like how she was able to escape with only a minor bruise to her ego. (I say minor because no one knows what happened except her.)  I felt bad for the poor girl, honestly.

 PS- I knew nothign of Lucky Star when reading this, so the fact that the character came across with no loss of personality impressed me greatly.  All in all, excellent work. 



Author's Response:

I'm glad you liked it ^_^

What's AGD though? 

Date: Sep 05, 2010 10:25 pm [Report This]
Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Jimmy Olsen Signed
This may be the best description of bowel desperation I've ever read. It more than lived up to what I imagined when I read the challenge (I considered responding myself, but couldn't get started). My favorite part is "her hands clenched into tight fists at her sides, mimicking her rear."
I like how you structured this story, with her on the cusp of a public accident, then a flashback of how it came to be, then the accident happening in full and her getting away with it. I was honestly in suspense. My only major complaint with this story is that I wish there were more. I would like to read about her getting to the bathroom and cleaning up after she left the room. It would be especially neat if she ran into one of her friends, who was also out of class, and had to get past them before they smelled or noticed anything wrong.

Actually, more dialog throughout might help. Everything before fifth period is described rather briskly, and it might help if we had fleshed-out scenes of her meeting friends, debating about lunch, getting startled by the bell etc. One minor complaint: I can tell that you intentionally wrote the "present" scenes in present tense and the past scenes in past tense, but you slipped up a few times and used the wrong tenses.

Regardless, this is a nice non-predictable desperation story that entertained me, didn't offend or disgust me, and is written in a way that let me clearly picture what was going on, inside and out (and I do enjoy picturing sweet petite Tsukasa with a big brown banana weighing down her panties).
Date: Jul 03, 2010 01:30 am [Report This]
Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: OrpheumZero Signed
Very nice. A quick, but very satisfying piece.
Date: Jul 03, 2010 12:04 am [Report This]
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