I thought it was very good. An interesting concept, and you brought it to life with your usual eye for detail.

Here and there, I found spots that didn't seem to read well. But, they were few and far between.

As always, the pooping scene was outstanding. I've come to expect nothing less from you. And, though it was a short story, I felt like you did an excellent job with the characters. They all felt distinct and unique.

Great work.

The premise is just great, and I like how you tie it in with actual Japanese culture. The imagery and local color are fantastic. After I read it the first time (skimming a couple parts), I said on the chatbox that the story was short on detail. Now that I've reread it in full, and read some parts a 3rd time, I realize I shouldn't have commented so soon. There's as much detail as is needed, except *maybe* in the flashbacks to previous years.

You especially spare no detail in the pooping and peeing scene. These were my favorite bits: "Immediately a clear stream hissed to life, cutting the air with an arc of urine that splattered on the ground in front of her." and "She felt lightheaded, and strangely displaced. Who knew how long she had been there, shitting like some wild beast." I love wilderness relief scenes, and this is one of the best, partly because of the girl's "back to nature" state of mind rather than the usual formula where they're only relieving themselves outside because it's their only choice. In keeping with that theme, I think it would have been better if you had described her collecting leaves on her way out to the clearing, then using them to wipe rather than man-made objects.

You have several distinctive characters who don't contribute anything to this story except a little extra color. That's not necessarily bad, it just seems odd, and makes me wonder if you're introducing this cast of characters with the intention of using them again.

There are quite a few typos, but I think the biggest weakness of the story is the structure. You dump all Tsukasa's background info right in the beginning, when it would have been better to start the story on the day of the fair. Details before like the calendar saying "offering" would be nice little hints to get the reader wondering. Then, when Tsukasa enters her "pooping zombie" state you could explain the ritual as she carries it out, and give the relevant history then. I think that would help a lot.

It also would have been nice to see Tsukasa return to her friends and try to contrive an explanation of why she left suddenly. It would be even better if the group happened to walk by the place where Tsukasa dumped and her friends speculated on what animal made that pile.

While I have some complaints, this is an emmensely enjoyable story once it gets warmed up.

Author's Response:

All good points, and I'll certainly keep them in mind if I do go back and revise or make a "Director's cut" version.

I admit I did cram the backstory close together, just I couldn't really think of a way to just have her reflect on it one part at time, at least not without seeming random. "That reminds of the second I went." :P But yes, maybe I could have left an air of mystery before her dumping ritual came to light. I just didn't want to repeat quite the same thing I did with "Her Secret Pleasure" where the story plays dumb and doesn't directly explain what the girl is up til the end.

The friends were largely just added to help pad for time, rather than jump right to Tsukasa hiking it into some random forest and pooping. And of course, I couldn't just make them nameless, that would have been confusing and hard to follow. But I did explain that wanted to leave it kind of open-ended, so that everyone could make their interpretation.

Thanks for the review, it's alway appreciated. And I will definately keep the suggestions in mind for later.