You must login (register) to review.
Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: donkeykong207 Signed
kind of unrealistic, now were there a laxative given to each by the other, as a way of revenge for the other thinking they were better than they were, with none of them knowing then they poop it would have been better
Date: Aug 10, 2014 09:19 pm [Report This]
Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: OrpheumZero Signed

An interesting story, but could really use some fleshing out.

 

For one, neither girl seems to have any distiction between them personality wise. And you could have done more to describe their bodies, and how that factored into their allure as they pooped. Also, more comedic dialogue could be used, like some people finding a poop battle different and strange from a pokemon battle.

 

Finally, it could use some spacing here and there, though at least you did well not to make it one big solid block.



Author's Response: I knew I needed something in it. How their bodies are defined. Thanks. Also, read my story here about Legend of Zelda featuring Impa from Ocarina of Time. Give feedback on it. Thanks again.
Date: Feb 04, 2013 09:28 pm [Report This]
You must login (register) to review.