Well, it was an interesting variation on the scenario, and the nicely detailed descriptions made the climax pretty enjoyable.
Technically speaking, it's not so good. The formatting was distracting, and it could use a pass from a spellcheck or something.
Still, good effort.
Author's Response: I'll take a look at the Errors and fix them up. Sorry about that, bro. Time was almost out because it was nearing the last day, and I was hanging by a thread of UnGodly Proportions, so I went absolutely freaking nuts to hurry up and meet the deadline before it was too late. Thus, the Errors in the Story. Thanks for the Review, Man. I appreciate it.