The part about CC "feeling her face flush red as her heart thumped in her chest from the applied exertion" makes me wish this story had illustrations. She has just the sort of cute face I'd love to see in this situation. The ensemble cast bathroom session that follows is fun. I found it a little hard to keep track of the characters, but it seems like you gave each one a unique thing to do on the toilet. It was kind of fun waiting for Shirley's weight to finally drop. Nina's rather public self-stimulation stretches believability, if you ask me. I really enjoyed Milly's extreme openness. Out of curiosity, is she bisexual in the canon?
I noticed a few mechanical errors. The word "her" is missing when Lelouch grabs Shirley by the hands. Kallen's body should be "scantily" clad instead of "scantly." Nina and Rivalz should be trying to "calm" the crowd instead of "qualm." I think she's supposed to "walk" the grounds as a student instead of "wake." You say science does little to "peek" CC's interest when you mean "pique." You use the wrong kind of "its" a number of times. Though not really a mistake, you use the word "curvaceous" at least three times in the story, which seems excessive.
Overall this is an enjoyable story with a real plot to go with the massive fan-service.
Duly noted on the errors. I'll fix them soon.
Anyway, glad you enjoyed the story for what it was. Good to see the bathroom scenes worked out well enough. As for Milly, it's hard to say, in the anime she is quite perverted at times. Sort of like Haruhi, she just has an eccentric personality. And Nina, that's all unbelievable considering what she does in the anime itself.
I don't know if the play or CC going to school are ideas from episodes, but they're a good way to introduce the characters and set the scene. It's hard to do a “live a day in someone else's shoes” plot and not have it be painfully awkward and cliche, but you managed to make it work here. I have picked up enough about CC to be able to guess her reaction to the school not having pizza, and be pretty amused by it too.
I really love big groups (four or more) girls all using public bathroom stalls side by side, so this was very nice. If this plot was all original, it was a great way to get CC to buddy dump with the other girls, something I understand wouldn't normally be possible. It seems like you got every major female in the show all lined up with their panties down dropping their loads, quite an accomplishment. I wish their where more stories with “poop clubs” who come together to talk wile they go every day. It dose remind me vaguely of my DBZ story with Videl; girl who isn't used to using public toilets has others walk in with a log hanging out and later warms up to a group who regularly poop together thanks to a very open person. Not implying you had it in mind, just something that I thought of as I was reading.
As much as I love stories with bunches of girls going at once, I understand they are very hard to do. You have to pick what you want to focus on and, unfortunately, let some other details go. It gets harder the more girls you add by the very nature of things happening at the same time. I think you did quite well keeping the focus on CC wile letting us know what the others where doing from her point of view. As much as I wanted a description of every turd dropped, I understand it can't work that way. I have trouble with three girls at once so unfortunately, I can't tell you how to do it any better.
If I would have wanted anything (maybe in a revised addition?) it would have been more descriptions of smells and for one or more of the girls to react in some way to CC's.
Very nice school girl's room story.
Thanks, glad you enjoyed it. It was tough not being able to really describe each girl going, seeing as it was meant to be from CC's point of view, and thus couldn't just cut to each of the girls (by the way, there's like 6 or more girls that could have been added :P).
Still, if I can get more suggestions, I'll try to fix each "description" for the girls, but I need to know if I should add more details to each one, who leaves when and so on.
Also, the idea of a "Poop club" sounds kind of neat, maybe that should be a challenge, lol.
As for the show, it's not too bad. It does plotholes, and some elements take some getting used to, but the ideas are pretty cool, and the girls (most of them at least) are really hot.
Author's Response: Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it. I should have something new in the near(ish) future.
Ah.... Code Ment... I had that disease once. Turns out wearing pink on Arbor Day weekend will clear it just fine. That or watching Cher music videos, but then you get night terrors.
Author's Response: Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it.