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Title: Ayeka and Ryoko butt to butt Reviewer: DrBones Signed
I started reading the new version so carefully that I did notice a missing or incorrect word sometimes. I could dig through and make a list if you want me to take the time, but it's not distracting.

Nice to see you added more descriptions using analogies/similes, those are great as long as you don't over use them.

I liked the original short ending, but this is much better. It made me smile.

Not totally perfect yet, but I think you got rid of the “rushed” feeling.

Author's Response:

Really, still some words missing? I can't imagine that since the new program I use is crazy uptight about how I phrase things and correcting things like "she can't" with "she can not" even though they barely matter if you ask me. So sure, if you could point out the exact missing words, by all means.

And good to know you enjoyed it more than before. Though I guess I should ask where you think it could use more fleshing out. I had thought maybe more stuff with Tenchi and Sasami after Ryoko leaves, but I wasn't sure if that'd drag things out a bit too much with them just collecting carrots.  

Date: Sep 04, 2015 10:04 pm [Report This]
Title: Ayeka and Ryoko butt to butt Reviewer: Poowrite Signed
Pretty good! Ryoko and Ayeka were entertaining, and from what I remember of the anime everything was pretty spot on. The situation you built was a pretty good one, and the descriptions of the deeds were short but sweet. Ayeka's desperation felt... I don't know, a little rushed. Like she went from feeling the urge to having to go so bad she couldn't move much too quickly. That's the only thing I can really say against it, though. Great story :).

Author's Response:

Thanks, glad you liked it.

 

I'll admit, it was a bit rushed in places, but at least it's good to know nothing was too distracting. Hope you're presence means you're not far off from a new work, I've missed your tales about Yuna, or just any girl in general. :)

Date: Jan 26, 2014 08:02 pm [Report This]
Title: Ayeka and Ryoko butt to butt Reviewer: Jimmy Olsen Signed
I always enjoy fics with Ryoko and Ayeka. Their verbal sparring added to an enjoyable if predictable buddy dump scene. Mihoshi's part was unexpected and perhaps described the best. The story read like it was written in a rush. It would be great to read a more polished version (perhaps with some wiping at the end).

Author's Response: Actually, I wrote most of the Mihoshi part around the time I began the story, then just moved it around until it was ready to come up. As for the rest, like I said, I'll try to fix it later. If you've got some suggestions on what could be expanded/needs fixing the most, by all means tell me in my thread on the forum.
Date: Dec 26, 2013 02:27 am [Report This]
Title: Ayeka and Ryoko butt to butt Reviewer: Zee_phyro Signed
Pretty nice, Orpheum. Though the pooping scene could be longer and more detailed :D
Date: Dec 25, 2013 05:27 am [Report This]
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