Nice first effort. Would say some parts felt disjointed, like the clothing discriptions (such as you mention Maka's shirt and coat when she tries to rub her belly, then describe them again she and Soul are levaing the train). Also, I could see the lack of a toilet on the train being mentioned earlier, possibly one of the things Maka is bemonaing as she fights off cramps.
Furhtermore, I would say the relationship should either try to be more comical, like it is in the series, or just go for broke. The ending kind of made it seem like they were suddenly opening up romantically, but that's just how it looked to me.
Overall, it's a solid work. Could use a little more polish, but feels pretty tight compared to many other first efforts seen here.
Author's Response:
Thanks a ton for the look-over! I did notice on my most recent read through that the clothing description was sort of weird set in that specific spot, so I'm gonna probably end up just describing the skirt and take out the rest, since the majority of it would be redundant by then.
I agree on the lack of toilet situation being referenced needing an earlier mention. Will definitely add so it's not just a wasted line and so it makes the entire situation make some more sense.
The relationship definitely needs some sort of overhaul. I think when I wrote it, I accidentilly made it come off as a little dual sided, which is not what I was going for: I was really going for Maka feeling such a mix of emotions that it just felt right to do what she did. Of course, I think Soul's reaction needs to be altered for no reason but that it creates a better plot; a sort of awkwardness over the surprise act of affection. Maybe I'll scrap the kiss entirely and use later chapters to build upon the relationship to achieve a more satisfying climax? Who knows, I'll cross that bridge when they come to it.
Thank you so much for the review, again! I'm glad I didn't quite crash and burn :P