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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: tytraljoshua223 Signed
make more stories
Date: Apr 03, 2011 03:36 pm [Report This]
Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: EFROdian Signed
See, now why couldn't that have been a "tale from Ba Sing Se?  Good job!  I especially liked the little action at the beginning (I definitely see Toph as "that" kind of person).  I also really liked the end, the ending of it right there was better than actually describing it (I wonder how Toph;s gonna getback Katara, now... Katara has the advantage of being able to control water, and therefore, pee, but what can Toph do aside from take uptime in the bathroom).  I wonder if Toph enjoys "moving earth" since she's an Earthbender after all (great reference by the way).  Keep 'em coming!

Author's Response: Thanks, I\'m glad you liked it, my next fic in this series will most likely occur in the season 3 timeline
Date: Oct 26, 2007 04:06 am [Report This]
Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: OrpheumZero Signed

Very nice, it didn't stray too far from the real show (somehow I wouldn't put 'that' past Toph :P) And it was pretty cool with the implied pooping (I think my bending poop comment from way back has created a trend XP).

Good luck with this, can't wait to see more stories in the contest.



Author's Response: Thanks, It occurred to me that there was a month time period of no story, so I figured it would be a perfect time frame to do a fic on ^_^
Date: Oct 16, 2007 12:15 am [Report This]
Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Poowrite Signed
Good work. Jimmy hit the things I would have mentioned (Katara's need to pee increasing so quickly, past to present jump).

Aside from that I really liked it. I think that the characters reacted according to their personalities, Toph especially. The dialog was accurate and the idea of Katara bending her pee out of her was pretty interesting. That's a tirck she could maybe use on Azula and her lackeys in the future.

In all good work, keep it up :).
Date: Oct 15, 2007 06:48 pm [Report This]
Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Anime Lover Signed
Thanks for reading and your suggestions, I liked your (A) suggestion the most, can't believe I didn't think of it. >_<

About the first half, any fic I do, I try to include sexual acts, ether accept that when you read my fics, or don't read them.
Date: Oct 15, 2007 04:43 am [Report This]
Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Jimmy Olsen Signed

This is pretty good for a brief, funny story, but I see problems with it. The most obvious is that it jumps back and forth between past and present tense. Another problem is that I find it hard to believe that, in the space of time that Toph is in the bathroom, Katara's need to pee goes from the first twinge to being so bad that she, a high school-aged girl, uncontrollably wets herself. I can't imagine that taking any less than 2 hours, unless Katara drank tons and tons of liquid for some reason. I think you should have done 1 of the following:

A. Make Katara have to pee at the beginning, but ignore it until Toph goes to the bathroom, since she knows Toph will be in there forever.

B. Have Toph stay in the bathroom for a *very* long time.

C. Provide some reason for Katara having lots of liquid in her system.

Moving to the positive attributes, I love the "I gotta go move some earth."/"I really didn't need to know that" part. I also like the bending part, especially her "pulling" it out of her bladder, hurting herself, but I wish that part was longer. I also wish you hadn't written in the part with Toph playing with herself and Katara getting excited from it, since I never like reading about that stuff. The end is a real plus. *Not* seeing the scene with Katara throwing pee at Toph is probably even more fun than seeing it. I think you ended it at just the right time.



Author's Response: Thanks for reading and your suggestions, I liked your (A) suggestion the most, can\'t believe I didn\'t think of it. >_
Date: Oct 15, 2007 04:01 am [Report This]
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