First I have to ask, was this inspired by the art of Phantom Inker on Deviantart? Your description of Terra reminds me very much of his variety of octopus-girls. If you haven't seen his art, you should. Above all, your descriptions are fantastic. The picture you paint of Terra is so lifelike that I can believe you've really met and had sex with an octopus-girl. Well, not really, but you get what I mean. The stuff you reveal about her and her mother just make me want to see more.
The first three chapters don't do much for me. There's the discovery of Terra and some nice dialog, but besides that it's just sex. But the fourth chapter entertains me a lot. I've read many stories about characters discovering and using a human toilet for the first time, but I enjoy each one because each one approaches the situation in a different way, and yours is no exception. It's great how David deduces Terra's desperation, and her reactions to the toilet are priceless. My only complaint about this part is that David doesn't see her use the toilet, or even try to peek. But there are still more chapters, right?
A couple other tidbits that I like come to mind. One is the detail about David wanting to reposition himself. That's an uncomfortable part of being male, yet it's almost never mentioned. Kudos to you for acknowledging it. I also love the line, "I'm both amazed and annoyed that even an aquatic girl does the same hands on hips and head roll thing."
I only have two plot criticisms, and I'm not sure they're even criticisms. It's kinda random that there's information on this mysterious sentient undersea race on the Internet. And it seems weird to me that all three characters think it's rare for a 17 year old to still be a virgin. Maybe my high school experience wasn't typical, but I hardly knew anyone who lost their virginity that young.
I'm sorry to say the technical aspects of the story are much more flawed than the plot. The name of Terra's race changes from "Scylle" to "Scylla," and the name of David's friend changes from "Alexandra" to "Alexandria" (with an "i"). You're inconsistent about whether or not "Mermaid" is capitalized. There are also several sentences where the first word isn't capitalized. Some of the sentences are missing words. You confuse "their" and "they're," "your" and "you're," and "whose" and "who's." You write "defiantly" when you mean "definitely." I also don't understand why you always put single quotation marks around italics. Lastly, you say "I don't need a half girl, half octopus teasing me" twice in as many sentences. I assume that's a mistake that you would have corrected if you'd noticed it.
Basically, there's nothing bad about your storytelling. It entertained me a lot, and made it easy to get over the parts that grossed me out. It's your spelling and things like that that need work. I plan to read whatever future chapters you add to this story, no matter what content.
Author's Response:
I'm glad you enjoyed reading this
and this story was inspired from this pic :http://www.akeiarkay.com/myeh/scylla.html and a dream ^_^
about the more chapters part, I have no plans to continue this series, I only havd a limited plan of what i wanted to do in this story, which was the start -> flashback to finding terra -> return to present and end with sex. this outline more or less was completed with chapter three. but since this story was so well liked on 7chan, I thought up a fourth chapter.
'It's kinda random that there's information on this mysterious sentient undersea race on the Internet.'
heh, you must not frequent 4chan's /d/, theres a great collection of monstergirls in a 'monstergirl encylopidea' that get translated often http://www.akeiarkay.com/myeh/monster.html
heck, I know freinds that are as young as 14 or so claiming to not be a virgin.
I also don't understand why you always put single quotation marks around italics
in my fics, that is to singnify thoughts, or speech not from the mouth