Great second-person story! Great omo in it, bit unfortunate that we didn't 'see' her peeing. I AM a harsh critic, but this surpassed my expectations! Great piece of work, and I hope to read more of your works!
Signed-
Daniel V
Reviews For Nightmare at the Museum
Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Daniel V (Harsh Critic) Anonymous
Date: Nov 12, 2015 05:04 am [Report This]
That was fantastic. I really liked your take on it. I must admit, I'm not a big fan of second person reading, but it seemed to work quite well for this story.
That said, I think you could have been more descriptive with the desperation. I'm not saying it should be more erotic, but I think it should have been drawn out a little more. I also agree with Jimmy Olsen in that the interactions bewtween the characters could have been spelled out a little more. A few conversations thrown in at the points where he had to reassure her or give her suggestions would have made the story much more interesting.
The story overall was great, but I think it needs a little more to it.
Date: Oct 02, 2013 09:47 am [Report This]
I like the basics of this story. The characters lost in a cavernous museum, the girl using a potted plant as a potty, and the experience bringing the pair together. I also like the embarrassed physical interactions between the characters as the boy tries to help the girl pee. I think you realistically capture the behavior of two friends of opposite genders who are not yet fully comfortable with each other. The kiss at the end seems to happen a little too easily and quickly, but otherwise I like the ending.
There are a few things about the presentation that I didn't like. It uses the second person and the present tense, and you sum up dialog rather than showing it all. These are things I generally dislike in storied because they almost always detract from the reading experience. By adding dialog and maybe adding more descriptive prose about the characters and scenery you can make it seem more real, and make it easier for the reader to get into the story.
Overall the story is quite good, but I feel like you could revise it into something much better.
Author's Response: Thanks, will try to work on that.
There are a few things about the presentation that I didn't like. It uses the second person and the present tense, and you sum up dialog rather than showing it all. These are things I generally dislike in storied because they almost always detract from the reading experience. By adding dialog and maybe adding more descriptive prose about the characters and scenery you can make it seem more real, and make it easier for the reader to get into the story.
Overall the story is quite good, but I feel like you could revise it into something much better.
Author's Response: Thanks, will try to work on that.
Date: Nov 12, 2012 10:08 pm [Report This]