i agree with poowrite, the focus on the accident itself switches too much at the end.
Good story though, good desperation.
Reviews For Yuna\'s Blitzball Accident
Date: Oct 25, 2008 05:05 pm [Report This]
I'm far from the best critic of this story, since I don't even know what blitzball is, but I figure my reaction is worth something to you anyway.
I like how the stakes are raised as the story goes on, even though it's a fairly brief story (2,199 words, according to my word processor). In the beginning, if she fails, she poops her swimsuit and is embarrassed. By the end, if she fails, she dies of drowning. So there's more to this than the typical desperation story.
The explanation of her situation with the chocolate laxative and stuff seems awkward the way it is. I think it should have either been expanded into a scene or else removed completely. It's not like the reader needs to know why someone has diarrhea every time someone in a fic has diarrhea.
The final scene (everything after "Meanwhile , in a small changing room...") is great. So is the sentence "The whole competition was now in Yuna's innocent backside."
I guess I didn't have a lot to say about this. Nice little tale.
Author's Response:
I like how the stakes are raised as the story goes on, even though it's a fairly brief story (2,199 words, according to my word processor). In the beginning, if she fails, she poops her swimsuit and is embarrassed. By the end, if she fails, she dies of drowning. So there's more to this than the typical desperation story.
The explanation of her situation with the chocolate laxative and stuff seems awkward the way it is. I think it should have either been expanded into a scene or else removed completely. It's not like the reader needs to know why someone has diarrhea every time someone in a fic has diarrhea.
The final scene (everything after "Meanwhile , in a small changing room...") is great. So is the sentence "The whole competition was now in Yuna's innocent backside."
I guess I didn't have a lot to say about this. Nice little tale.
Author's Response:
well, firstly, yuna isn't wearing a swimsuit, she's wearing her regular X-2 clothing in the Sphere Pool.
If the main character of the fic has diarrhea, I prefur to reveal what caused it ^_^
I'm glad you liked the fic
Date: Oct 24, 2008 11:05 pm [Report This]
What's this!? A Yuna story?! Praise be to the gods!
Overall pretty good. I think you did a good job of capturing her urgency and a pretty good job of writing the blitzball scene.
My only real complaint is that the pooping scene seemed to be lacking a little. The focus seemed to switch to her drowning as her bowel released.
Still, good story. You know I always enjoy reading about Yuna "taking care of business."
Author's Response: well, nearly the whole fic was her fighting back pooping herself ^_^
Overall pretty good. I think you did a good job of capturing her urgency and a pretty good job of writing the blitzball scene.
My only real complaint is that the pooping scene seemed to be lacking a little. The focus seemed to switch to her drowning as her bowel released.
Still, good story. You know I always enjoy reading about Yuna "taking care of business."
Author's Response: well, nearly the whole fic was her fighting back pooping herself ^_^
Date: Oct 17, 2008 01:28 pm [Report This]
Pretty good, a little iffy on the near drowning part, but still nice.
Would have been nice to have seen even more pooping from the other girls as well, but maybe next time?
There are a good number of spelling errors, but nothing too glaring.
Great job as usual.
Author's Response:
heh, well, when your dealing with underweater stuff, thiers always the threat of drowning.
I'm glad you liked it though
I tried to find the spelling spelling errors, but it doesn't ssem I'm good at spotting all of them >.<
Date: Oct 17, 2008 11:19 am [Report This]