I've got to say, I love reading about giant bugs. That's one of my special affinities in science fiction and fantasy. I thought the scene of the bugs' attack was exciting and dramatic, but I think you should describe the bugs as soon as they show up. I couldn't really picture them, and wasn't even sure what size category they were. It's also hard to picture bugs with "fleshy" tentacles, since insects' parts are generally covered with hard chitin. The quasi-rape stuff does kind of gross me out, although the implantation scene wasn't the part that really bothered me (more on that later).
"Dry panties soon became a rarity as Veronica's bladder also empties into her panties, which she wasn't even aware of from the fear of seeing what was happening just feet in front of her." This is the best descriptive passage in the story, but it also illustrates the story's biggest problem, which is that the prose shifts between past and present tense. Another passage I loved was, "the large bug made a bee-line straight for her." Great pun. You definitely need to do some proofreading, because there are frequent spelling and grammar errors, and one sentence that completely baffles me. "This experience was Veronica's first time though, it wasn't a couple of fingers, Mindy remembered her first time, she was screaming out much like her friend was." I'm guessing you left some words out or something, because I can't unravel what that could possibly mean. I also feel like pointing out that "fourteen year old teen" is redundant, as is "tree-filled forest."
One last nitpick before I get back to the content. It would help the reading experience if this was divided into chapters. When I had this saved onto a word processor, I noticed that there are already scene divides that occur at about one quarter, halfway, and three quarters into the document. So it would be easy to cut the story into four chapters of equal length.
I really don't like the ending, where Veronica becomes an irresponsible nymphomaniac. Wouldn't the trauma of the insertion process, which you describe in horrifying detail, deter her from allowing the whole thing to happen again? Rather than allowing herself to be raped, and setting herself up for punishment from her parents, wouldn't she just start masturbating instead? I think her change is unbelievable, and arguably offensive.
The bottom line is this is an okay story with tremendous characters (you should use them in other stories if you haven't already) that needs some proofreading and revising if it's going to become truly enjoyable.
Author's Response:
thanks for the detailed review
now to comment on some of your comments:
"It's also hard to picture bugs with "fleshy" tentacles"
I've read H-manga with bugs having fleshy tenticles, so...
"The quasi-rape stuff does kind of gross me out"
heck, sex grosses you out lol :p
"You definitely need to do some proofreading"
I do, I read through my fics twice to pick out mistakes, I catch a lot of them, but obveiously, proofreading you own work doesn't catch everything. fallenstar used to proofread my work, but my recent fics don't appel to him.
""This experience was Veronica's first time though, it wasn't a couple of fingers, Mindy remembered her first time, she was screaming out much like her friend was." I'm guessing you left some words out or something, because I can't unravel what that could possibly mean.
The sentance is missing a 'wasn't', so it's supposed to go like this:""This experience wasn't Veronica's first time though, it wasn't a couple of fingers, Mindy remembered her first time, she was screaming out much like her friend was.""
" It would help the reading experience if this was divided into chapters"
At most, the story could be split in two, not four. chapter 1 being the oviposition and chapter two being the laying. I didn't split it becouse it was a contest entry, but now that I know it would be fine to seperate a contest entry into chapters, I'll do it in future entries that I think need it.
"Wouldn't the trauma of the insertion process, which you describe in horrifying detail, deter her from allowing the whole thing to happen again?"
It was her first time and she was against it of course it would be a horrible experance. but with the laying and a day to sleep on it, she found she likes it. similarly to my RP character of becky, who after being raped, discovers she likes being raped, specifically the lose of control.
" I think her change is unbelievable, and arguably offensive."
Really? Offensive? O_o